It's A Wonder I Managed To Log In Here

And that is only because it came up automatically with my google address and password in the login box. Had it not been for that, I would still be flailing with email address and password combinations for the foreseeable future.

Anyway yes, the point of that paragraph can be more succinctly wrote as "I haven't updated this shit in a while". I could embellish on the reasons for this by creating an intense regaling of international, top secret black-ops missions that I may or may not have participated in over the summer. But I won't do that to you. And MI6 won't let me.

But yeah, this post is for two reasons:

1. Too prompt me to update and
2. See how well I write when I need a piss very badly

Oh man, I just felt the universal throbbing of the bladder when it wants to empty and it feels like piss is 3/4 of the way down your cock. I say universal, I don't actually know of course. I also wonder if women feel the same kind of thing sans cock but mit minge.

Oh yes, three languages combined to form a coherent sentence.

Right, going for a main vein drain.

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 17

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 16

Scrubs Series 6 Episode 15

An Evening

A hello and long time, no bloggage and the bad news must be spoken. I shall do this without haste as it hurts to even think about; Dominos have ended the 555 deal. This has meant the end to the Dominos Thursday. It has temporarily become "Subway + Ben & Jerry's Thursday" which, is a suitable replacement.

During the hour long period we spent mourning and thinking of gourmet alternatives, I looked out the window in a fluid, yet pensive motion. Gazing down through the pouring rain, illuminated by the incandescent lights that form a perimeter about the courtyard, three Chinese students were playing badminton; two with racquets and the other seemingly refereeing. How they could see is quite beyond me (not because of the "slanty [sic] eyes ", rather because of the light...) but they persevered, in a retard-playing-with-matches kind of way.

Ironically, disregarding the conditions they were swinging (and missing) at 'cocks like pissed off feminists which is very poor for a nation that is traditionally good at the sport. The equivalent of a black man sans 'sass'.

A Scorrick of Information

I walked passed three Muslim girls today, two of which had the 'peep scarf' (Noel Fielding, 2007) on. The other, without the head dress was singing "I can see clearly now..." (Bob Marley - I Can See Clearly). Rather fitting, I thought.

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 14

Leeds Festival

I am actually well excited now that I can get the money to buy a ticket.

Time to line-up announcement:

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 13

*Paddy's Corner*

Hello there, it’s been a while since a paddy’s corner but nothing has happened so I have had nothing to write about. However, this weekend saw the celebration of my 19^th year on the third stone from the sun and so I had a nice weekend at home.

Firstly, on the Friday, my actual birthday, I took a wander(more of a 20 min car ride) down to Soundcontrol in Salford, home of the biggest guitar wall in Europe.I am on the search for an amp to make me as good as Jimi Hendrix and John Mayer,or failing that, just one with their tone. I tried various amps out including a Peavey 100 watt valve stack for a mere £500 which was ace value but not what I was looking for and a Fender Hotrod, but to no avail. I have my heart set on a Vox AC15 but they didn’t have one.I left hardly broken hearted but maybe a bit miffed. After a Subway lunch(Ask Paul about the Wigan Subway story, legendary) I took a wander round the Lowry centre, which in case you have never been, is possibly the biggest nic-nac and odds and ends shopping centre this side of Sweden. It’s like a shopping mall but every shop sells summit you would expect to find in Tom Horn’s kitchen.(It’s an in-joke)In the evening as a birthday meal I went for a curry with the ol’ family in the Fort Of India curry house on Newton high street. Nothing too out of the ordinary really, except bizarrely the only employee I couldn’t understand was the only white guy,a Geordie fella, who was clearly only working there to try and pay off his tab that he had accumulated over years of late night curry’s after “big nights aaaut wit the laaddddddddssss!!! waeyyyy,why aye man!!”…….also “Fort Of India”. Hmm, odd choice for a name, find me a chippy called Castle of Britain. 1-0 to Paddy.

The Saturday of my “Birthday weekend”, wasn’t very eventful initially.I helped to dispose of a bed which has been circulating our bedrooms since before I can remember so it was a slightly sad day but I did get a trip to the Tip so I enjoyed that.(See earlier blogs – “Manly Things”)I also briefly got lost on the intricate roads of Warrington on the way to get a haircut which was a more eventful haircut than I was expecting. I chose to go to Toni and Guy because even though it is very expensive and vain, they do cut long-haired bloke’s hair well, unlike any other hairdresser who just assumes because its long that yes I would like a lady’s hair cut……..incorrect. So I am sitting uncomfortably in a chair waiting for the “Senior Stylist” to come over and a familiar person minces past. Now, with my Gay-dar going crazy I found it hard to concentrate at first, but I slowly began to realize that it was Chris Collier a guy from my Primary/High school who had previously always denied he was gay.(Dunno why gay guys do that but they do).His Toni and Guy t-shirt was sponsored by Nintendo DS with the rather epic “Touch Here To Play” quote on the back. I imagine that there is a giant arrow attachment for the t-shirt which can be configured to point to any part of the occupant’s anatomy depending on their sexual persuasion, but it would have been inappropriate to wear it at work. Anyway, my faith in a higher power was restored when the person to wash my hair was not my aforementioned schoolmate but in-fact another trainee. It’s not that I have a problem with Chris, but I believe the awkwardness would have been off the scale. When my hair-washer kicked off the obligatory conversation I explained I was at university in Huddersfield and when the conversation inevitably dried up, I brought out the big guns to try and impress her and the conversation went a little bit like this

Me – “Yeh, Huddersfield, its nice. You know Where the Heart Is. That TV programme?”

Her – “No”

Me – “It used to be on after Coronation Street…..No?Well how about Last Of the Summer Wine?”

Her – “Erm, No, sorry.”

Me(Very quietly and sheepishly) – “Oh erm, well they are both filmed in Huddersfield.”

Clearly, I am left feeling like a complete fool and then awkwardness began to creep into the whole hair washing process, usually an enjoyable experience. But come on, seriously, who hasn’t heard of Last Of The Summer Wine?! The rest of the haircut was fairly uneventful, having to engage in awkward conversation with the hairdresser about her family and my uni life, both of us not caring in the slightest about what the other was saying but both nodding and smiling, so very fake. I left with hair which was a little bit too stylish for my liking if that makes sense, I am not a trendy guy by nature so my hair didn’t suit my ill-fitting, mis matched clothes so I presume I looked a little bit odd, and I also left with a much thinner wallet. Also on my trip to Warrington I got to try out the much anticipated VOX AC15 and it was all I could want for a very reasonable price of £359, so not long and I shall be the proud owner hopefully. I spent Saturday night in one of my favourite places in the world,The Hare and Hounds pub in Lowton, mainly because of the company/memories of there. I am a little bit hazy on details of the evening but a new pizza place opened up nearby and I got a pizza, quite nice and also I flicked my shoe on the walk to Pete’s and it got caught on metal fence from a building site. Looking back, that was beyond lucky because I could have kissed goodbye to that shoe (the right shoe of my only pair of trainers) if it had gone over, but at the time it was just hilarious and there is a picture on Pete’s phone. I haven’t seen it, but I believe its ace.

Understandly, getting up at 8am for golf the next day was not high on my agenda but Dad had sorted it out so that I could play in with his golf society in Manchester in a club which Alex Ferguson is a member, hardly an opportunity to turn down. So I groggily got up and was in that stage between drunk and hangover where you believe that its going to be an alright day. Unfortunately, a slight hangover began to raise its ugly head as we tucked into some lovely bacon barms, and as we approached the first tee I was feeling a little dodgy and coupled with the fact I had to tee off in front of about 10 of my dads mates, its not surprising my ball trickled off the tee box after a sensational topping by me. A barrage of encouraging comments and golf clichés came my way so it was all good really. “Don’t worry bout it son”, “Keep your head down”, “Slow it down, lad”, “Yeh, get the bad one out of the way!”, you get the picture. However when I preceded to again scuff the ball not very far from where it rolled to, people already began to lose faith in me, not least one of my “team-mates” for the day who uttered the ultimate confidence crusher… “Not been playing long, no?” I could have explained that I was at uni and that I only play when I come home and that I was feeling rough and that it was the pressure of a lot of people watching but instead I opted for “A little while, I’ll get into it”. This teammate turned out to be my main source of enjoyment throughout the day as my golf game did improve but not to a standard where I was enjoying my performance. This fella was what all cockneys have been modeled on. He was the pinnacle of cockney from slicked back hair to gold bracelet, he had it all. I imagine him to drive a Ford Mondeo but always to refer to it as “a lovely little motor” and often disappear because he had to “phone the missus”. He kept repeating this one phrase over and over again with no obvious regularity, or if there was something that triggered him to say this pearl of wisdom, I couldn’t figure it out. This little gem was “Get them in early lads,eh.” Looking back, not only was it not relevant to golf, I can’t actually think of a time when I would say it, but at the time my mind was too busy trying to decide what was causing his sudden bout of turrets. Finishing the day with a lovely Sunday roast in the clubhouse and a pint of Strongbow I watched some rugby and was thoroughly perplexed by the “rugger buggers” who were shouting tactics at the screen and then shouting abuse at the referee for some decision or other…………give me football anyday, at least its easy to follow.

My train ride home was thoroughly unpleasant but generally uneventful so all in all, that was one bad-ass birthday weekend in my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I will leave you with this rather amusing story .

I was waiting for my bus today which is due at 5:30pm and is usually on time so when it got to 5:55pm people were getting irate and understandably so. Every slight engine sound had everyone staring longingly in the direction where the bus should come from however when it did finally arrive and the doors opened we were all greeted with a rather crazy looking Indian bus driver flailing his arms around, shouting “Hurry! Hurry!” and shouting something about a lorry turning over, then he screamed “45 minute late”. Never have I ever seen such a large group of people initially so desperate for something, become instantly not particularly keen on getting what the wanted in the first place………..if that makes sense. No one really wanted to get on that bus now and be stuck with this clearly unstable bus driver for 15 minutes, but everyone did as they were told and hurried. Thankfully, we arrived in town unscathed, although there was obvious anxiousness bus when the driver took “a short cut” and he was right to do so. Town was grid-locked…….so here the moral of the story, just because he looks insane, doesn’t always mean that he is….sometimes they just want to get you from A to B quickly. God Bless foreign bus drivers…

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 12

Apologies about the delay but being away and internet being broke has meant no updates.

I Got Some Weird Looks Today...

...and I am really not sure why. Just walking down the street and people were staring at me. I checked various reflections in the windows but couldn't see anything grotesquely wrong...well, no more than usual. It got to the point were two Chinese lads pretty much stopped in their tracks and stood flabbergasted, as if I'd just hassled them for sweet & sour chicken and a portion of noodles.

The rest of the day has been uneventful although I don't think one of the Asian shop keepers likes me very much. As I walked in he was being fairly chatty to his customers. I picked up two bottles of pop and put them on the till and the only thing he asked me for was money. I asked for a bag and he searched through for the flimsiest one he could find. I think it was only shown a picture of plastic in it's manufacture.

Ah well.

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 11

In two parts for now I'm afraid but here is a download link - Scrubs Series 6, Episode 11

The Beer Launching Fridge

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 10

A Good Day

After a long time of nothing happening, I finally have some stuff to write about. Went to see Man Utd vs Reading at Old Trafford today. The result (1-1) was not very pleasing but it was still a good day out. Travelling there, was flawless. Hopped on the train, then the metro link, queued for tickets and got a burger all with very little or no wait which was fantastic. The return journey was not as pleasant though. We had to wait until the third tram before we could get on and then it took us to a different station than it said it would. So we got on another one that would take us to Piccadilly. However, at Piccadilly Gardens it suddenly stopped. No signs of movement for about 20 minutes. After this long, people started getting pissed off so someone used the emergency door release and we all escaped, much to the bemusement of the driver who started shouting that he had phoned the police.

We walked to Piccadilly station from there. As we were getting to the platform, a black guy jumped in front of me out of nowhere and shouted "Ticket!". I'm quite ashamed about this but my first reaction was a scream because I thought I was being mugged. After quickly calming myself realising my mistake, I fumbled in my pockets for the ticket but he just told me to go. Clearly he gets his giggles terrorising white boys. On the train back, the black guy across from me had his ring tone as the theme tune from 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air' which was just fantastic.

I also had to negotiate the other night. At 3AM in the bastarding morning on Thursday, I was woken up by the front door buzzer for our flat. I got up and looked out the kitchen window but couldn't see anybody so, disgruntled, I went back to bed. Just as I lie down someone starts knocking on the actual door to our flat. I ignore it thinking it's just someone pissing about. After 10 seconds of more knocking, I stagger to the door, open it and am confronted with two very drunk girls. I managed to say something like "Whatthefuckdoyouwant?". Turns out they wanted to stay the night because they couldn't be bothered to get a taxi. I tell them a straight 'no' and go to to shut the door. They stop me and say that I have to let them because they "lived here last year". I understandably point out that this is not a good reasoning. If I'd been more awake I'd have probably used an analogy but instead stared at them confused for 5 seconds (without blinking) and reply with another simple 'no'. The talking bint who was asking all the questions then asked whether it was a boy or a girl who lived in each room, laughing wildly at whatever answer I gave. Easiest comedy gig ever. I told them I'd only answer if they promised to go away after, which they agreed. I was pretty pissed off.

To sum this up, I wish to point out the growing number of Cheemos (Chinese-Emos) I've been seeing recently. They haven't done anything yet, but you can bet your last wok I'll tell you if they do.

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 9

Scrubs S06E09

Enjoy

And So The Drought Continues...

It is unbelievable how little has happened. There will probably be a flurry of events soon, but until then you will have to put up with me posting more nonsensical crap than usual.

Booked tickets to see the Man Utd Vs Reading FA cup game on Saturday which I'm really looking forward to. Tonight is also Dominos Thursday - an event of such greatness that everyone should have a day devoted to Dominos pizza. Bought 'The Times' the other day for the supplement on learning Chinese - I quickly got very bored but I learnt how to say 'hello', 'yes' and 'thank you' which basically means I could buy a hooker for the evening if I ever find myself in Beijing. Fantastic.

I should have the latest episode of Scrubs up tomorrow as well.

I shall leave you with a list of manly things. Found them a long time ago but read them again yesterday and they are truly fantastic.

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open
it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are
men's work.



2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
makes you the man.



3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
crippling the man. Magic.



4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.



5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as
you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish -
noisy destruction.



6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding
towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
to catch up with you. God, you're hard.



7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.



8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".



9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your
hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.



10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,
"but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".



11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.



12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.



13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of
the pub doesn't know that.



14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.



15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are
now your dad.



16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?



17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until
then, we'll make do with the aisles.



18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing
better is peeling notes off the roll later.



19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get
straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven.
See ya."



20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
you the worlds best driver.



21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in
the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in
silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.



22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't
make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".



23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you
mad, bint?"



24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right,
I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.



25, CALLING YOUR MATE A TWAT - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
hospital".

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 8

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 8

Oh This Makes Me Laugh

Forgive the lack of updates recently, basically nothing has happened. However, that wont stop me posting my Chinese delights.

Spotted this a while ago but got reminded of it today. Taken from the uni halls newsletter.

I wouldn't have guessed she was a Betty...

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 7

Bill Bailey - Part Troll

I thought I would be nice and upload this awesome show for you.

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

Okay, this is going to be pretty quick as I have to go out in a few minutes.

Some of you may remember this blog from a couple of weeks ago. I talked about how all the Chinese kids love to leave their windows open so they can have a chat and a smoke with other Chinese kids. I also commended the accommodation people on their foresight for such interaction. However, it would appear that the Orientals have got their comeuppance (taken from the UCLan newspaper, 'Pluto'.)

I haven't seen any of them doing it so far, but I'll keep an eye out.

I'm Not Helping Anyone Again

Basically, before Christmas we had a C++ assignment and this one Asian lad would not stop pestering me for "help". And I'm talking every day here. At first I didn't mind but soon it became to much. I tried ignoring him as best I could but he was oddly persistent. Anyway, I saw his mark today and he got a full 5 fucking marks higher than me, yet I did at least 70% of his work! The prick knows fucking nothing and is now acting all smarmy and git-like. I spent most of the day quite pissed off hoping he would spontaneously combust along with the rest of the annoying Asian contingent. Oli pointed out that one of them has huge eyelashes and therefore looks like a camel, which is very true.

For once, me saying what I want to happen worked. Was walking back to my flat the other day and saw this guy sprinting full stretch. I turn my head to the left and spot a bus. The guy has run over a good hundred yards so I start saying "Go bus! Go!". The guy reached the doors of the bus, just as the doors shut. The driver was obviously feeling particularly harsh because as he was banging on the doors (whilst the bus was still stopped) he just drove straight off, much to my amusement. The guy then had a quality pissed off walk.

I'm Unsure If I Want This To Be Real

Credit to Stray on Websponge for finding it.

I Just Made An Error...

...by going for a nap at about 9PM. I woke up about 10.30PM quite refreshed which is quite the bitch as my body now thinks it's morning. I'm in for a shitty nights sleep now.

I actually only started this post to talk about that so there isn't much to add on. Two out of the three Asian lads who are always late to lessons are getting later. The other one was there before me today and basically stared me down for a good minute and I'm still not sure why. Perhaps he was waiting for me to call him a cunt...because he really is. I've never seen him smile and I'm doubting if he knows what a computer is. Sorry, I just really don't like him.

Right, I'm going to have to make myself tired somehow. If not, I may go outside and see if the Chinese kids congregate by the windows at night to smoke and talk. I imagine they do.

An Australian In America

My Weekend In London...

...was very fun. I Was worried that the trains would be fecked because of the weather and they were, but not much for my journey. Felt peckish on the train so visited to the shop and got a chicken sandwich, cookies and a coke. Guess how much it was...I'll interrupt your shouting of prices at the screen by telling you it was £5.05. That, combined with the cashier continuously calling me sir meant it was like being bummed by a polite gentlemen. I gave him a fiver and 5p so the amount was exact and I'm pretty sure he came right on the spot. The prospect of not having to add up my change, hand it over and remember the pleasantries was just to much for him. In a flurry of excitement he proceeded to place a cup on my bottle, grace my hand with napkins and put it all in a bag. None of that was innuendo, I swear. Part way through the journey, this old man/woman (I legitimately couldn't tell) sat diagonally across from me and kept giving me right dirty looks in between knitting a fucking turquoise square. I can imagine her giving it to the family member or friend it was intended and they have to act all polite and when he/she isn't looking, they stash it to their child with the words "Quick! Run upstairs and put it on the pile with the other geometric shapes she's knitted!".

That night I went out to Notting Hill with Dot and some of her friends. It was fun but I don't see how they could have made a film about the area. Not very much going on. Also, £3.95 for Magners is just pushing the limit.

Saturday, I became a proper tourist. Me and Dot went around all of central London such as Trafalgar Square, Houses Of Parliament, Big Ben, South Bank and Oxford Street. It was great fun and Oxford Street is fair awesome. On South Bank we watched this black guy who was a break dancer. As Dot pointed out, he found three funny things he could do and stretched it out for 20 minutes. He ended by spinning on his head for about 20 revolutions though. As the crowd dispersed, who do I see but Rachael Davies and Yog! Random as fuck. Didn't know Yog was a trolley-dolly at Heathrow (I think) but I lied and told him I knew that already just to avoid any gay mentionings.

Old people getting angry are funny as well. On the bus going through Richmond, the bus stopped and people got off. As this old woman was just about to step off, the doors shut and pushed her back in. She shouted "OI!" to the driver who with a hint of a smile opened the doors again. There was also a slightly odd Japanese woman who just kinda stood and swayed in the middle of the bus and people had to go round her. Why she stood, I don't know because there was loads of seats.

The train journey back was less entertaining although I did get two seats to myself so it was sprawl-tastic. As I was stood by the door before it pulled into the Preston I witnessed this fat, drunk guy trying his best to get into the toilet. Somehow he failed to notice there was a button on the right that opens the door so using all of his...'cultivated' weight and power he forced open the door. When it was open wide enough to accommodate him he stepped in but the door slammed shut and pinned him to the wall. Anyway, he wriggled in. Two minutes later I see half a body emerge. 10 seconds later the rest of him did, but because he had put so much force into it he flew across the other side of the train and hit the wall. I had to stifle laughter because he started looking at me and shouted "ahhhhhhh fuckin' dog shittin' door is fuckin' bollocksed!" all in one drunken slur. In between my laughs I manage to say in a patronising voice, "is the door broke?" He ignored me and rolled a cig.

That's all I can be arsed writing about anyway.

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 6

*Paddy's Corner*

So here we have another installment of the so called “Paddy’s Corner” as there has been a lot of “blog-fodder” happening recently. Went to see Smokin’ Aces on Monday after a Chinese buffet where the food was amazing but the drinks were severely over priced. But I guess that’s where they get you. Anywho, Smokin’ Aces was extremely good, pure violence, guns and Vegas, what more could you want?! Just watch that you don’t fall down the enormous plot holes….The bank is also pissing me around at the mo, my card expired recently to the great amusement of the guy at the next cashier when I went to find out why I couldn’t withdraw any money. So the cashier says we’ll order you a new one but it will take a week to arrive. If you want to take any money out in the mean time you’ll need to bring all your details, your account number, a bank receipt, a form of id, a unicorns horn and a fresh middle-east camels tooth….and you’ll need to come in between our ridiculously short opening hours….Any thing else I could help you with?... you could point me in the general direction of a decent bank maybe?....Anywho, I goes back a week later as requested and the lady then cocks about for another 15 mins getting me to sign loads of forms, I have probably signed to give her son a kidney or summit, then she “activated” the card. Then as I was leaving she said very casually, oh where would you like your pin number sent…eh? My pin numbers changed and this is the first your telling me of it….erm I would like it sent here please? Ok then, that will be here in three days….great I have a card and fuck all to do with it until Saturday…. (except chop up cocaine with it but unfortunately I don’t do drugs) so until Saturday I still have to go to the bank to withdraw any money which is a pain in the arse. Natwest Shat-west!

…..sorry, it was the best I could do. Anyway, this is getting long again so I will leave you with these two short stories. First, as I was queuing to get on the bus outside uni today (whilst angry old people in sports cars drove past) I was stood behind the girl who works in the gym reception. I assumed the bizarre odour in the gym entrance was just sweat and cleaning products. However, I am starting to think that it is this girls perfume because she smelt very strongly of this rather peculiar scent. You live, you learn. Secondly, a lad on this very same bus was picking up money from under his seat and commenting to the girl behind who was helping “yeh, I have a hole in my wallet so my money often falls out, I should really buy another one but well, ya know…” and trailed off. I personally think the perfect sentence for him to say was “yeh, I have a hole in my wallet so my money often falls out, I should really buy another one but well, I never seem to have any money” comic genius I’m sure you’ll agree.

Until the next time

Paddy: over and out

A Small Update

Small because nothing has happened since the last update. Today, being my day off and everything, I was thoroughly productive...it's a shame sarcasm doesn't convey well over the internet.

I've still not figured out why they are keeping all the Chinese kids at my uni on the ground floor for accommodation. I'm not sure if they fear stairs, height or handrails but there are no Orientals on any other floors. You can often see groups of them talking through the windows to each other whilst one of them has a cigarette outside. Perhaps the accommodation people predicted this kind of interaction and took action before there were complaints. Kudos if they did.

I've made my own Dailymotion account now so providing I can get the episodes of Scrubs, there should be no issues of the episodes being down for long. I've put episode 5 of season 6 up there and in 24 hours has had over 1000 viewings which is pretty cool. Episode 4 is on there as well but it's being a bitch about being published so it can't be searched for yet.

I also intend to find a way of sharing some of the Ricky Gervais Podcasts. I doubt I will bother though.

I'll leave you with a picture from Websponge.

What A Shit Fucking Day

Know how sometimes you get them days were nothing goes right and everything just pisses you off? Well, today was one of them days.

It started off shite. Not knowing that the timetable had been changed, I got up at 8.30 AM. Turns out that the lesson was moved to 5PM. Combine that with the tutorial that was cancelled and I could have had another two hours in bed. I decide then, to go and get the 'breakfast barm' that I'd had a few weeks earlier. Got said sandwich no problem, however getting back to my flat before it went cold was another matter. Somehow every single vehicle and workman had joined forces and collaborated to prevent me from getting home. I tried to cross the road but had to wait about a minute before risking my life by running out in front of a car just to have a chance of making it. Decide on my route, cross the road and walk up the steps to Victoria path to see 7 fucking foot tall metal fences that had been erected by workmen, blocking all access (cunningly placed next to trees and bushes may I add). I turn around, cursing the hard-hatted twats and walk back down the road to walk through the student union. This added another 2 minutes to my journey. Reach another road and because some daft bint had stopped on double yellow lines for apparently no reason whatsoever, it created a mini chicane in the road thus stopping me from crossing for ages because of all the cars. By this time, my sandwich was colder than a penguins bollocks. I eventually got back in to my flat and had about half the barm, mainly out of spite.

Felt pretty sick after this, so last laugh went to them I guess.

Maths lecture was fucking boring as usual.

The same pretty much goes for the Systems Analysis & Design tutorial as well. I couldn't help but laugh when the blind women started kicking off because people were talking. I don't know if it was disrupting her mental image of the room or something but it is only her who complains about talking. You'd think she would set the dog on them.

Now for the real annoying twist of the balls. Got a phone call off dad saying his car got robbed last night. Three little bastards came into the house and got his car keys off the window ledge when he was out back. He heard something and came running out to see the car already pointing down the street. He grabbed the door and they sped off, throwing him across the road (he's Okay, just a bit bruised and things fortunately). Police haven't found anything yet so I'm not sure what's happening. Little cunts.

To top off this already piles inducing day, we ordered from Pizza Hut. However, they somehow managed to send me the wrong pizza and rob me out of £2. How difficult can it be? Very, apparently if you're a part of the Preston minimum wage with no education club.

And right now I need another shit so I'll have to go now.

Scrubs Series 6, Epsiode 5

IM SOFA KING WE TODD DID

Say it slowly if you don't get it.

As you may have noticed, this blog has a new guest contributer in the form of Paddy. I hope you enjoy his contributions, I know I do. But then of course I know that.

This has possibly been the most boring and suicide simulating week I've had to live through so far. Everyone is back at uni and I can't go back myself because there is no one else there so I will be just as a bored and would have to cook for myself.

Bought a Jimmy Carr DVD which absolutely brilliant. I used to hate him but I've grown to love the sarcastic bastard. Here's a clip about him calling Anthony Kiedis a 'cunt' at an awards ceremony.

Went to Tesco in St Helens last night and walked past a gang of nerd chavs. They had the attire of a scally but the glasses of the classic geek. It's what I imagine the love child of Chantelle from Big Brother and Steven Hawking would look like. The bad thing for him is that he would have absolutely no say because he can't outrun (so to speak) anyone...unless he's on a slope, but then I guess he'd have worse issues to worry about.

*Paddy's Corner*

Hello blog readers, I am paddy. Yes, I shook a stump. Yes, I can’t pee next to a lumberjack. But I am here on much more serious business today. Paul has been kind enough to offer up some blog space for me to have a good ol’ rant about certain things which have been annoying me recently. So here goes…

Firstly, Huddersfield seems to be full of old people who drive brand new cars and this tends to get my metaphorical goat. They should be eating boiled sweets and stealing bread from Safeway or Somerfield or whatever its fucking called. (Can u tell I am annoyed??!)Only today I saw two old ladies,(lesbians? I couldn’t tell, all old woman have short hair) sharing the joys of almost brand new MG, that hatchback one, with alloys and shit. What the fuck?! Alloys! Bet it had a fucking CD player too, so they could listen to bloody Michael Bubble or Barry Manilow. Now, if this isn’t bad enough, they look pissed off!! The cheek!! I am stood waiting for a overcrowded, overheated bus in gale force winds and sideways rain which wets the insides of your ears and they are sat, probably in heated seats, looking angry and in all honesty, waiting to die. Old people are time bombs, which don’t explode but instead, just deflate. They don’t even put on a good show…Grr.

This is going on quite a while just about old people in nice cars so I will speed things up. I watched a children’s drama today, aimed at those teachers who don’t give a fuck so they just let the kids watch the wank that is put on channel 4 at eleven o clock in the morning. Anyhow, a kid was explaining how he was late for some event or other because he had to walk from his house. The reason for this is that every time he got the bus he had been bullied by “some Indian lads” calling him racist names. I should probably explain at this point that the kid in question is black and that this is, I am sure, an awful experience for him.(Not being black, being bullied….of course) However, my main concern is that, do these “Indian lads” permanently ride the bus 24/7 just on the off-chance they get to be racist? He said every time he gets the bus they abuse him, why are they on the bus all the time? Are they driving it? How many “Indian lads” does it take to drive a bus?!(No this isn’t some shitty joke).And while we are on the subject, Indian guys sure like to crowd pool tables. It annoys me no end.

Anyway, with a word count getting into the 450 region, I better wrap this up now, but I am by no means finished. This ain’t over, this is just the beginning. And a final parting note, I dropped my favorite plectrum today and it blew away. I know this isn’t the worst thing in the world (I have heard that gonorrhea isn’t all its cracked up to) but losing that plec hurts like hell….

Scrubs Series 6, Episode 4

Fuck Me, Chinese Kids Are Fast At Maths

It's true, they are! He was about 2 pages ahead of me in the exam for most of the way. Caught up to him at the end though. I'm not totally sure if he was aware I was racing him, but there we go.

I have to walk to the train station in a bit and it's bloody raining...well, spitting/drizzle. I haven't wrote anything for a while so I should have a lot to say, but that's were you are wrong I'm afraid. As you can see, I have already resorted to talking about the weather on just my second paragraph.

I'm contemplating having a shit before I leave but I think I might just bake it for a while and have a totally fulfilling one when I get back home. The risk, of course is that I may have to go whilst on the train, miss my stop, end up in Plymouth...and die. Or something.

I shall leave you with my most skillfully taking picture ever. Taken on New Years Eve, I manage to throw a chunk of cake at Paddy, hit him in the face with it and take the picture at the same time. Here we see the split second before it hits.

Peace.