*Paddy's Corner*

Hello there, it’s been a while since a paddy’s corner but nothing has happened so I have had nothing to write about. However, this weekend saw the celebration of my 19^th year on the third stone from the sun and so I had a nice weekend at home.

Firstly, on the Friday, my actual birthday, I took a wander(more of a 20 min car ride) down to Soundcontrol in Salford, home of the biggest guitar wall in Europe.I am on the search for an amp to make me as good as Jimi Hendrix and John Mayer,or failing that, just one with their tone. I tried various amps out including a Peavey 100 watt valve stack for a mere £500 which was ace value but not what I was looking for and a Fender Hotrod, but to no avail. I have my heart set on a Vox AC15 but they didn’t have one.I left hardly broken hearted but maybe a bit miffed. After a Subway lunch(Ask Paul about the Wigan Subway story, legendary) I took a wander round the Lowry centre, which in case you have never been, is possibly the biggest nic-nac and odds and ends shopping centre this side of Sweden. It’s like a shopping mall but every shop sells summit you would expect to find in Tom Horn’s kitchen.(It’s an in-joke)In the evening as a birthday meal I went for a curry with the ol’ family in the Fort Of India curry house on Newton high street. Nothing too out of the ordinary really, except bizarrely the only employee I couldn’t understand was the only white guy,a Geordie fella, who was clearly only working there to try and pay off his tab that he had accumulated over years of late night curry’s after “big nights aaaut wit the laaddddddddssss!!! waeyyyy,why aye man!!”…….also “Fort Of India”. Hmm, odd choice for a name, find me a chippy called Castle of Britain. 1-0 to Paddy.

The Saturday of my “Birthday weekend”, wasn’t very eventful initially.I helped to dispose of a bed which has been circulating our bedrooms since before I can remember so it was a slightly sad day but I did get a trip to the Tip so I enjoyed that.(See earlier blogs – “Manly Things”)I also briefly got lost on the intricate roads of Warrington on the way to get a haircut which was a more eventful haircut than I was expecting. I chose to go to Toni and Guy because even though it is very expensive and vain, they do cut long-haired bloke’s hair well, unlike any other hairdresser who just assumes because its long that yes I would like a lady’s hair cut……..incorrect. So I am sitting uncomfortably in a chair waiting for the “Senior Stylist” to come over and a familiar person minces past. Now, with my Gay-dar going crazy I found it hard to concentrate at first, but I slowly began to realize that it was Chris Collier a guy from my Primary/High school who had previously always denied he was gay.(Dunno why gay guys do that but they do).His Toni and Guy t-shirt was sponsored by Nintendo DS with the rather epic “Touch Here To Play” quote on the back. I imagine that there is a giant arrow attachment for the t-shirt which can be configured to point to any part of the occupant’s anatomy depending on their sexual persuasion, but it would have been inappropriate to wear it at work. Anyway, my faith in a higher power was restored when the person to wash my hair was not my aforementioned schoolmate but in-fact another trainee. It’s not that I have a problem with Chris, but I believe the awkwardness would have been off the scale. When my hair-washer kicked off the obligatory conversation I explained I was at university in Huddersfield and when the conversation inevitably dried up, I brought out the big guns to try and impress her and the conversation went a little bit like this

Me – “Yeh, Huddersfield, its nice. You know Where the Heart Is. That TV programme?”

Her – “No”

Me – “It used to be on after Coronation Street…..No?Well how about Last Of the Summer Wine?”

Her – “Erm, No, sorry.”

Me(Very quietly and sheepishly) – “Oh erm, well they are both filmed in Huddersfield.”

Clearly, I am left feeling like a complete fool and then awkwardness began to creep into the whole hair washing process, usually an enjoyable experience. But come on, seriously, who hasn’t heard of Last Of The Summer Wine?! The rest of the haircut was fairly uneventful, having to engage in awkward conversation with the hairdresser about her family and my uni life, both of us not caring in the slightest about what the other was saying but both nodding and smiling, so very fake. I left with hair which was a little bit too stylish for my liking if that makes sense, I am not a trendy guy by nature so my hair didn’t suit my ill-fitting, mis matched clothes so I presume I looked a little bit odd, and I also left with a much thinner wallet. Also on my trip to Warrington I got to try out the much anticipated VOX AC15 and it was all I could want for a very reasonable price of £359, so not long and I shall be the proud owner hopefully. I spent Saturday night in one of my favourite places in the world,The Hare and Hounds pub in Lowton, mainly because of the company/memories of there. I am a little bit hazy on details of the evening but a new pizza place opened up nearby and I got a pizza, quite nice and also I flicked my shoe on the walk to Pete’s and it got caught on metal fence from a building site. Looking back, that was beyond lucky because I could have kissed goodbye to that shoe (the right shoe of my only pair of trainers) if it had gone over, but at the time it was just hilarious and there is a picture on Pete’s phone. I haven’t seen it, but I believe its ace.

Understandly, getting up at 8am for golf the next day was not high on my agenda but Dad had sorted it out so that I could play in with his golf society in Manchester in a club which Alex Ferguson is a member, hardly an opportunity to turn down. So I groggily got up and was in that stage between drunk and hangover where you believe that its going to be an alright day. Unfortunately, a slight hangover began to raise its ugly head as we tucked into some lovely bacon barms, and as we approached the first tee I was feeling a little dodgy and coupled with the fact I had to tee off in front of about 10 of my dads mates, its not surprising my ball trickled off the tee box after a sensational topping by me. A barrage of encouraging comments and golf clichés came my way so it was all good really. “Don’t worry bout it son”, “Keep your head down”, “Slow it down, lad”, “Yeh, get the bad one out of the way!”, you get the picture. However when I preceded to again scuff the ball not very far from where it rolled to, people already began to lose faith in me, not least one of my “team-mates” for the day who uttered the ultimate confidence crusher… “Not been playing long, no?” I could have explained that I was at uni and that I only play when I come home and that I was feeling rough and that it was the pressure of a lot of people watching but instead I opted for “A little while, I’ll get into it”. This teammate turned out to be my main source of enjoyment throughout the day as my golf game did improve but not to a standard where I was enjoying my performance. This fella was what all cockneys have been modeled on. He was the pinnacle of cockney from slicked back hair to gold bracelet, he had it all. I imagine him to drive a Ford Mondeo but always to refer to it as “a lovely little motor” and often disappear because he had to “phone the missus”. He kept repeating this one phrase over and over again with no obvious regularity, or if there was something that triggered him to say this pearl of wisdom, I couldn’t figure it out. This little gem was “Get them in early lads,eh.” Looking back, not only was it not relevant to golf, I can’t actually think of a time when I would say it, but at the time my mind was too busy trying to decide what was causing his sudden bout of turrets. Finishing the day with a lovely Sunday roast in the clubhouse and a pint of Strongbow I watched some rugby and was thoroughly perplexed by the “rugger buggers” who were shouting tactics at the screen and then shouting abuse at the referee for some decision or other…………give me football anyday, at least its easy to follow.

My train ride home was thoroughly unpleasant but generally uneventful so all in all, that was one bad-ass birthday weekend in my opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read this and I will leave you with this rather amusing story .

I was waiting for my bus today which is due at 5:30pm and is usually on time so when it got to 5:55pm people were getting irate and understandably so. Every slight engine sound had everyone staring longingly in the direction where the bus should come from however when it did finally arrive and the doors opened we were all greeted with a rather crazy looking Indian bus driver flailing his arms around, shouting “Hurry! Hurry!” and shouting something about a lorry turning over, then he screamed “45 minute late”. Never have I ever seen such a large group of people initially so desperate for something, become instantly not particularly keen on getting what the wanted in the first place………..if that makes sense. No one really wanted to get on that bus now and be stuck with this clearly unstable bus driver for 15 minutes, but everyone did as they were told and hurried. Thankfully, we arrived in town unscathed, although there was obvious anxiousness bus when the driver took “a short cut” and he was right to do so. Town was grid-locked…….so here the moral of the story, just because he looks insane, doesn’t always mean that he is….sometimes they just want to get you from A to B quickly. God Bless foreign bus drivers…